I'm Glad My Mom Died

I'm starting to notice a trend; I like biographies and autobiographies. And this makes a lot of sense, because I like being a psychologist and studying psychology, and what that really means is that I like people, I like knowing and understanding people's thoughts and behaviors. I really liked this book, but I wouldn't say that I enjoyed it. This is not a 'feel good' story, this is the true story of the struggles of a child forced into the spotlight and literally taught mental health disorders by a controlling, abusive mother. But it's well written and offers a glimpse into that life, and I admire McCurdy for publishing what is, essentially, art therapy.

I actually listened to this book on Libby, an app I highly reccomend. It's a free way to get ebooks and audiobooks using your library card. And I reccomend the auciobook because it is read by the author, so it feels as if she's just telling her story, as if you're listening to a friend recount how they've been doing lately.

I also really like this cover art. I've not seen a cover like this in a long time, it has a retro feel and puts me in mind of books I read from my childhood, or the type of books that I like to pick up from a thrift store. Whoever designed this cover did an excellent job.

This recounts the journey that McCurdy takes from her childhood to what I believe is present day at the time of publication, and follows her through her journey as an actor. It gives us multiple "characters" who helped to shape her life, but as the title implies, the most formative and important relationship discussed within is the relationship with her mother. I believe her mother's name is stated in the book, but I don't remember it, because McCurdy primarily reffers to her as "mom". This is a woman who should have never had children, and who has left a permanent scar on the psyche of a girl whom she tried to push into stardom and controlled with a disturbing amount of power- and I mean disturbing, it takes a lot of courage to write about some of the things McCurdy writes about within the pages of this book.

The issues that I believe will stand out to those with even a passing interest in mental health are going to be the eating disorders. McCurdy's mother had disordered eating tendencies that she literally taught her child, in order to keep her from growing, so that she would be able to act in roles in which the character was significantly younger than McCurdy was, mostly the role of Samantha Pucket on the series iCarly, and its subsequent spinoff.

McCurdy was taught that she had to maintain a childish figure in order to keep this role, and in order to not be sexualized by the media, and developed full blown anorexia as a child. She writes of how terrified she was that if she gave her body enough nutrition to properly mature she would, of course, grow breasts and hips, have a defined waist, you know, look like an adult woman instead of a child. This would be risky both for her career, and for her self-image, because she was terrified of being sexualized. She writes that part of this is because of her Mormon upbringing, because though it was lax compared to some of her church friends (who would not give her a 'real' position in the church club and instead made up a postion for her, because they beleived that she would eventually leave the church entirely), she herself was religious, and believed in the concepts taught by her religion, such as modesty. Due to her personal beliefs, she wanted to avoid sexualization like the plague, and yet having been forced into acting, was forced into roles where her desires on how to present herself, how to dress, etc, were not honored. She recounts a scene where she is attempting to get the wardrobe director to make a one piece bathing suite for a beach scecne, but the show's creator wanted her to wear a bikini. So she is forced to wear a bikini, against her wishes, in front of multiple people who worked on the show, and eventually in front of a television audience. As you can imagine, this was a deeply disturbing event for her, but her mother, who obviously cared more about her daughter's career than her mental health, pushed her to do it anyway, regardless of how uncomfortable it made her. It is painful to read.

Her family does seem lax in their religious beliefs, at least in the way it is presented in the book, but McCurdy genuienly enjoyed church services, though she writes that this is largely because church was a place where her mother could not control her. McCurdy took it upon herself to get the entire family up and moving for church, so that she could spend the maximum amount of time at the service as possible, but this experience was essentially stripped from her, because the people in the church shared her beliefs on modesty and worldliness, and gossip spread because the shows she was working on were publically avalible for viewing, and so the congregation saw her doing the things that she was already uncomfortable with, such as appearing on-screen in a bikini or sharing a kiss with a co-star (her first kiss, something else that was painful to read. McCurdy essentially had a huge childhood milestone ripped from her, because her very first kiss was in a rehersal with a co-star, as part of her job, not as part of a budding childhood romance, a deeply personal aspect of life, the way most people get to experience). Her agency, her personhood, is all at the mercy of other people, her mother, her employeers, her agents and managers.

Though the majority of the book is a chronicle of child abuse and extreme mental illness, there are moments of hope sprinkled throughout, and it ends on a high note. McCurdy is not stupid, despite being denied a proper education, and knew that she needed help, first on her own, then at the behest of her boyfriend, who was dealing with his own mental health issues. She entered treatment twice, and the first time had a psychologist who had to be making good money, because the way she worked with her clients is the way I WISH I could work with my clients, but my clients could never afford that many billable hours. McCurdy did not want to suffer from eating disorders or alcohol dependence, she had the sense to know that something was wrong, and she worked to take control of her life. There is a scene during this healing process where she visits her mother's grave and reads the engravings, which listed her as a strong, couragious, kind, loving, wife and mother. McCurdy has a lot of cognative dissonace about this engraving, because she has learned through therapy that these things are simply not true of her mother, and has what I would call a "breakthrough". It is this moment which allows her to understand that she will not let someone control her from beyond the grave.

She stopped acting, she stopped singing, she stopped being a public figure. She sold her giant three story house where she lived alone in oppulance, and moved into an apartment more fitting for one person. She refused to do the iCarly reunion. She cut ties with everything that she hated about her life, and she is working to heal from everything she has been through. The book ends on a hopeful note.

I heartily reccomend it.