I made myself a little mistake is what I did. Going with KRCC was a huge mistake. In the short time I've been here, less than 2 months since I took the job, I've seen numerous instances of criminal neglect, as well as abuse.
The house that I worked in was in such awful shape it was not fit to live in. There was human urine as well as old food stains (mostly coffee) litearlly everywhere, the poor residents had not been taken anywhere, including to their doctor's appointments, in months, their medication was all messed up, and they were missing several items and chunks of money. I had to tell the caseworker, my supervisor and the job I applied for FOUR TIMES to get her ass out there and actually deal with the huge problem, which she never wanted to do.
The fourth time she did actually come out, but she talked to me like a dog over every concern I raised and did not seem to care at all, didn't display one human emotion the entire time she was there, and was actively aggressive when I cared about the residents. On top of that, she ALSO neglected them. I said repeatedly that one of the residents, MS, was a fall risk, because he was, he has a blood clot in his leg and diabetees that no one treats. When he had a fall, she ignored it completely, because she was on the phone. This was not a landline that was tethered to a wall. This was a wireless phone that she could have taken with her. He fell on concrete and I rushed to him, then she refused to document the injury when he asked to have photos taken so it could be documented.
Then she had the goddamn gaul to tell me that I should have left her alone and not expected her to do her job or care that MS was hurt, because she was trying to do an intake on the phone. This same intake needed my input and she had told me 3 times prior to just make them call me back. I told her that I was not going to jail for her, that what she had just done was criminal neglect, and it was unacceptable. So, because she could tell I was angry, she kept pushing me and pushing me with escalation techniques. She demanded that I come closer to her, spoke to me in parentese, tried to gaslight me, etc.
I don't think she's used to her house staff having psychology training, so none of these techniques worked, and I instead called her out on them. I told her that I was a psychologist who could recognise escalation techniques, and I was setting a boundary. I would not be coming closer to her, nor would I accept being spoken to in parentese, nor would I go to jail for her, given that she had just committed criminal neglect. She accepted none of these and just kept trying to get me to fight her, which I refused to do, instead referencing the evidence-based boundary I had set. I even said that no reasonable person who had studied psychology would not know what she was doing, given that she also had to have a psychology degree, and she had to know she was doing the exact wrong thing.
It seemed like it ended well, though she never admitted fault, but when I went to turn her in to her supervisor for the criminal neglect, since in the state of Kentucky I am legally required to do that (it's called the duty to report law), they fired me.
So I called the cops, and the particular police officer I spoke to told me that he was familiar with the place because of the neglect, he said that he had had to go find residents who had run off into the woods before, personally, so he was familiar with the individual house where I had worked, and that I probably had a civil suit for wrongful termination and gave me the name of a lawyer.
But here's the thing, I'm a pretty good psychologist so I actually got another job interview lined up that day, the day I was fired, so I probably can't show any loss of wages or that it hurt my career. Nor did I record this conversation where she was so agreesive and mean. So I honestly don't know if I do or not because it's going to be my word against hers and god knows what she's going to say, I already knew she lied like a politician from previous conversations where I tried to get her to achnowlege that there was a problem, and the scope of the problem.
I have had a really bad experience with working in and studying psychology, and it's buckwild that the reason I've had this experience is because I'm good at it. The reason that so many neurodivergent folks don't trust the system is because the system fucks them over. And we have laws in place to prevent that, but also I just- don't understand why so many people went into psychology to not help people. I sincerely don't understand what the hell is wrong with people like my teachers or this supervisor. You could have chosen a different career. You spent so much money to do something that you obviously don't believe in, that doesn't pay that well. Why did they do that? It makes no sense to me, and I find it infuriating because it causes active harm to the clients.
It's not hard not to be a neglectful bag of dicks. I do it every goddamn day with almost no effort. It's what you're getting paid to do. What the fuck is wrong with people? These guys have no one else to advocate for them, it's our job! They don't live with family, they rely on us. And to treat them like that... I don't know how you could be raised in the bible belt and not be even a little bit afraid there might be a hell.
If I saw an unstable elderly man fall on solid concrete, he would not have to be my client for me to drop everything and rush to help him. It would be my first instinct. If I saw disabled people living in those conditions, they would not have to be my clients for me to recognize that something fucked up had happened and it should not be allowed to continue. Why is it so hard for these people to have basic ass human empathy? To have any human emotions? To go by evidence-based practices instead of bullshit? Why did they go into this field? It boggles the mind.
So I'm going to the methodone clinic. I still know that it's not an evidence-based practice, but it pays the best, and when faced with two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. I need the money. That's how capitalism works, and I just have to be part of a system that I don't believe in that slowly kills me from the inside, because apparently that's what all these jobs are. That's what most jobs are. I'll have to learn to treat it as a job, let it kill me while I'm there, and then outside of work find joy in my life through my hobbies and relationships like everyone else. I'm not special and I guess I'm not going to change the system to actually help my clients. That's just such a big pill to swallow. That was the whole reason I got into this buisness so like... what was it all for? All the money, all the time, all the stress? If I can't actually... change anything?
I've been pretty depressed over the whole thing. Not because I lost a job, like I said, these are really in demand jobs and you can get a new one within a week, probably, if I don't bomb this interview on Wens, but because my clients are going to go right back to being neglected because Hayley is a monster who sincerely doesn't care about them. And the organization is just fine with that. How did we, as a society, let ourselves get in this shape, guys? We were supposed to be better than this, we all got together as a society in the 1960s and decided to be better than this, to deinstitutionalize people, to use patient first care, to use evidence based treatment plans. How are we allowed to just... not comply with those laws and nothing happens?
What am I supposed to do? Just let people suffer? It's not in my nature, it's not why I went into this field. I have normal emotional responses to things. I'm a regular human person, not a monster. I'm a social animal with an innate biological drive to support the weakened members of my social group, based on evidence from evolutionary biology/sociology/psychology and anthropology. It is not reasonable to expect me or anyone else in this species to put up with that and not file complaints. It's not who we are as a species, we are a social species with mirror neurons, not a solitary or unisocial species. These people have to go against their instincts to behave like this. Do they not believe in the science they were taught? Because the thing about the truth is that it is not dependent upon you to believe in it, so even if you didn't believe in the instincts honed over millenia through natural selection and instead had some other buckwild belief system, that shouldn't change your behavior when the science is about your behavior.
So I just don't... know how it got so bad. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do. So I'm just going to go to my new job interview and take it one step at a time, knowing, all the while, that my clients are still hurting.
Maybe I wasn't cut out for this line of work, but I have so much money in it now I can't go back.
I think I finally got me one of them worky jobs in my field. My drug test results finally came back negative with those home testing kits, so I went ahead and started applying for jobs, and I'll just tell you, I was unprepared for how in-demanad psychologists were. I knew there was a shortage, but I didn't know how desperate employeers were.
I figured it'd take a few days to get a callback with a job offer, but damn I was wrong. Folks started calling while I was still filling out applications, with interviews they wanted me to go to. With my anxiety disorder I got pretty overwhelmed by about the third call, but I tried to power through it and made 2 interview appointments for last week.
A local methodone clinic paid the highest, but I was really not wanting to work there, because methodone clinics aren't an evidence based practice, they're one of the worst ways to treat addiction, they're just cheap. I knew every client was just going to be there to get their medication, most would be court ordered, and I really don't feel like I would be doing a whole lot for my community that had much of an effect working there. Like what this area really needs are fully emersive rehabilition clinics, not things like methodone and suboxin or however you spell that. Those can be efffective, but they need to be paired with other things, and they work best in-patient, not out-patient. It's just not a very effective treatment plan that these places use and I didn't really want to be part of it- but beggers can't be choosers and I need to have money coming in.
I went to interview with KRCC for a caseworker position, and when I got there they told me that they couldn't hire me because to work that job you have to have a year of experience after graduation, so I'm sitting here like, "Why the fuck did you tell me to come to the interview if you knew you weren't going to give me the job?" because like what a waste of everybody's time- but then he asked me if I would be interested in a different position, working in half-way houses doing continuity of care and teaching life skills, a PsyR job. That paid NOTHING. Like $20K a year. Like less than I would get at Walmart.
I didn't want to tell them to fuck clean off, because I wanted that Caseworker job, so I did the interview, and it went well, but then at the end of the interview I was all, "So I have a job interview Thursday with the methodone clinic, and it pays $10K more a year, and I don't really want to work there becase -all the reasons I just said- but I really need the money, I got all these student loans, I have to get my car fixed, etc etc, so can I have some time to think about this offer and get back to you Friday? Because they've kind of got me by the short hairs here because I need the money."
And he was like, "Hold on a minute," and just left and left me sitting in the interview room. He was gone a pretty long time, I mean it probably seems longer when you're sitting in there by yourself. But he eventually came back and told me that they'd match the pay at the Methodone Clinic. So I was like, "fuck it, sure, I'd rather work this anyway."
So I reckon I got me a job.
I had to take a TB test, a drug test, and bring in some paperwork, I got a copy of my diploma but I have to get a transcript from school and a new social security card because I've been carrying mine around for decades and it's tore all to hell to the point that they wouldn't take it, so I ordered all that shit and now I'm just waiting for it to come in. I really hope this works out for me because lord knows I need this job and I already told two other places that I had this job. Because I mean, everybody from KRCC told me that I do have this job and they're just waiting on me to turn in the paperwork.
I just got that anxiety with those stupid intrusive thoughts that keep telling me shit is gonna fuck up for no reason and with no provocation, like just to be a dick, if you have them you know how it is. And I'd sure love to prove them wrong.
I'm also scared I really pissed a buddy of mine off, I won't go into it, but I might have put my foot in my mouth. I was trying to reframe a situation she was in to make her feel better and I think I might have actually made her feel worse and she's not talked to me in two days. So that's scaring the shit out of me.
I'll just be minding my buisness, living my life and it'll hit me how dirty that school did me and everyone else, and how evil some of that shit was, how I had two different classes that just made a complete mockery of ethics, and I will have this uncontrollable rage come over me that I can't redirect so I just break down in tears. I really think that school was bad enough to traumatize me. I have legit flashbacks. I think it's just a thing now, because if I was going to get over it, I would have. This is just me now.
Well, I've got coronavirus again, and I have no idea how I got it. Sincerely no clue whatsoever where I picked it up. I don't have a job right now so I literally never leave the house unless I need to go to a doctor or take someone to a doctor or like, buy groceries. Those are the only times I ever leave the house.
The entire family has actually got it, except for Jack because he doesn't live here, but me, granny, gramps, Cammy, mom and dad all have it, so no one can leave and go to town for supplies. Thankfully, I keep a lot of food in the house so we're good on that front, and it seems like at least I have a pretty good supply of toiletries and everything.
I'm actually really happy that granny and gramps got this omicron strand instead of the alpha strand I had last year. This one, so far, knock on wood doesn't seem to be nearly as bad. I actually thought it was just allergies- I have those winter allergies where you get cooped up with all the indoor allergens, the dust, the cigarette smoke, the coal dust, etc, and get snotty, dried up in my throat and eyes, that kind of thing, so I honestly just thought that was what it was. I hope it stays this mild for everyone the whole time. That would be great. You have to stay positive. With the alpha I thought I was dying, but right now I really don't feel that bad at all, comparatively, and everything I've read says that the omicron strand is just not as bad as the alpha. I'm really glad that granny and gramps didn't have to go through that alpha strand.
A few days ago, gramps couldn't draw breath, so we called an ambulance and got him in the hospital, they got him dyalisis and everything, but a test revealed that he had pnemonia. So that's not great. But also, he needs dyalisis so I'm glad he's in a hospital with a dyalisis center in it. He's been in one that didn't have it before and I was so worried. It seems like the antibiotic IV has been working, he's not hacking nearly as much as he was, judging by the phone calls.
The issue is that he doesn't understand how to properly work the hospital phone, so he can't hang it up. Which means that we can't call him, because the phone is off the hook. I'm going to call here in a minute and try to get a nurse to maybe go show him how to work the phone. I really wish we could visit him, because I'm sure I could teach him how to do it if I could look at it, and that's not really the nurse's job. I've called every day and I'm worried that I'm aggravating them. We're in the middle of a deadly global plague, they're all overworked anyway (my area has a nurse's shortage) and I know that they don't need family aggravating them.
But I'm worried about him being there by himself. I mean, he has a private room so without the phone he has no social interaction, at all. He doesn't know how to work the internet or the cell phone we got him. I'm just worried about him. I'm sure the nurses understand that. I mean, I hope they do.
Poor granny is having near constant behavioral outbursts since he's been in the hospital, they've gotten much worse than they were. I'm following all the guidelines put out to help caregivers, and all the internet advice, but I really miss my therapist because it is getting really overwhelming. She had one a minute ago that wasn't particularly bad, not near as bad as the one she had last night, but she called my mom in the middle of it and now my mom is blaming me, which I guess is easy to do, you need someone to blame, but it's very frustraiting.
When my mom gets upset she loses her processing skills, which is weird for me, because with my personality type they get sharper- I have that 'fixer' personality where when I get angry my logic works better, so that I know, for example, exactly how a teacher fucked me over or every single thing a partner has ever done to anger me in a relationship and my issue with anger management is not making a cohesive argument that will escalate, and to instead learn and use de-escalation techniques, because I'm being bombarded with information that makes it very easy to argue. If you have that personality type you know how easy it is for that information to compound into negative thought processes. But normally they're learned from how you're raised and it's weird because neither of my parents are like that. So my mom's anger responses are very frustraiting to me when I'm already dealing with granny's behavioral outbursts because at least with my anger style I can be helpful if I can learn to control it- they call it, 'fixer' for a reason, your brain hyperfocuses, yes, but it hyperfocuses on the problem because it wants to fix it. Does that mean that many cool down and distraction tehniques don't work? Does it mean that emotion-focused coping skills are often not as effective because your brain hyperfocuses on the problem and it wants problem-focused coping skills? The answer to both these questions is yes. But the good thing about my particular style is that if the problem focused coping mechanisms work, you're done, you get done being angry instantly the second the problem is solved. Of course, for an unsolvable problem this is a living hell. You do need to learn emotion-focused coping mechanisms, and I'm still working on that.
But it's very frustraiting to just have people who have the other styles do things like blame you for things or attribute characteristics to you that you don't have, because you're so focused on problem solving. Like at least mine is an effective communication style because though I might be processing a LOT of information that no one wants to hear, at least it is processing information and still able to distinguish between truth and falsehood and all that. This is a bad style to have if you know other people have other styles and get easily overwhelmed because you could become a manipulator, but other types can be frustraiting because the person is less capable of doing like... anything... and just says absolutely buckwild bullshit? And you know that they're saying those things out of anger but it's so weird that they don't process whether or not they're true before they say them. It's just not helpful.
This particular thing with my mom is also really weird because this wasn't that bad of an outburst, like comparatively. Granny didn't really do anything dangerous worth getting mad about. She threw a physical object but it didn't even break, you can literally just pick it back up. Like... just legitimately this one was not that bad. The one she had last night was way worse. I know that it doesn't seem like acceptable behavior but it's really not worth getting upset over, it was a really small outburst. It just kept making me think that if mom couldn't handle one phone call from an outburst that small she certainly wouldn't be able to stay with her.
A lot of older people say hurtful things, you just have to push past it. You can't blame the caregiver (or say that they're not a caregiver?? That's one of the things she said that just wasn't true.) or the elderly person themselves. It's just a thing that happens, there's no one to blame. It's unfortunate, and sad, and worrying, but you just have to do the best you can.
It makes me feel alone, I think. And one of the most important things you can do in these situations is have a social support system so that you don't feel alone. And because she went out of her way to make me feel alone, that can make even a small outburst like this feel bigger.
I'm really hoping that it's mostly the stress from gramps being in the hospital and once he gets out the behavior will improve, but I know from talking to her doctors that the more time goes on it's... not really something that gets better. I mean, she's not going to recover from this, we all have to accept that, I've had those discussions, we just have to try and make her as comfortable as we can. I don't think that should include blaming each other, but it's a really stressful time. But I'm allowed to feel frustration over things like that, and I'm journaling specifically to process emotions, so hopefully this freewrite will get a lot of that negativity out, will channel it into a vent write.
I do think it's working, I think I explored my anger style pretty well up there and identified areas like emotion-focused coping skills that I need to work on, and journaling is an emotion-focused coping mechanism. That's why I'm here. I think I can feel it working. The vent writing is working. I probably should do it more, but it's working right now as a de-escalation technique. And that's really all anybody can ask for. I just have to keep strengthening these skills and learning how to properly work through the emotions for problems that just... can't be solved. This is not a solvable problem. There is no cure for ageing or the health issues, including behavioral health issues that come along with them.
What it really boils down to is that I don't appreciate the blame when I'm already doing all that anybody could realistically be expected to do. And I do feel that any reaction at all is going to be a huge overreaction for an outburst that small, that no one got hurt in and no property was damaged in. She wasn't pointing a loaded gun at anyone or breaking her entire face this time. It just wasn't a big enough outburst to be bitching about, honestly, is how I feel. It's one of those ones where if you leave it alone and then go clean up it'll be fine. But then you have to remember that I live with her and see all of them and have more comparison points. I guess for someone who isn't used to the actually dangerous ones just... talking mean and making threats could be... I'm trying to make it work in my head. I guess that could be upsetting if you're not used to it. Plus, mom is sick and granny I think woke her up?
Either way my current mood was frustration, frustration with the hospital phone, frustration with the reaction to this outburst, and also just frustration from the outbursts increasing. I have identified and worked through that emotion, and I do think I feel better. I would obviously endorse journaling as a tool, as an emotion focused coping mechanism, I would do that even if it didn't work for me, because, you know, school and shit. But this entry I really could feel it working, so that's good, that's progress!
Now I can focus a little better and I'm going to call the nurses about gramps's phone.
Here's a caregiver resource, just for funsies, in case anyone else is having trouble with the emotional load of dealing with behavioral outbursts from an elderly relative they're taking care of: Abuse from Elderly Parents is Really Responsive Behavior - It's a few years old, but the tips still hold up.
Writing that review of Lain made me think about a few things that are probably weird to other people, just because I am malformed, you know, and it's a pretty rare malformation and having medical issues that other people don't have makes your life just a little different and on most days you just never really think about it.
So I have this disability I mentioned in that article where my skull is malformed. I have a lot of just, malformations where my skull didn't form correctly. So I have almost no bone in my upper jaw, is one of them, meaning my teeth don't root in the bone but rather the soft tissue and will, with great frequency, get infected from the root out, so the root dies, then rots, and the pressure from that builds up and then my teeth explode in bone shards in my mouth. It hurts real bad the whole time, and often I can't get into the dentist to get an extraction until it's already exploded, so I get blood infections, from the rot getting into my blood. When that happens my whole face swells up like the elephant man and my eyes swell closed and it's just not a fun time, I have to go and get IV antibiotics and whatnot, and if I don't, I'll die.
The last time they told me that if I had gotten there much later they would have had to surgically remove one of my eyes to keep the infection from spreading to my brain.
Also, when those teeth explode they're just, you know, exploded, so I'm missing a shitton of teeth. I spent a fortune on a partial because it's hard to eat and because I dislike walking around with like 6 teeth. If I can find a job, I plan to save up for dental implants, which is where they take metal in the shape of teeth and screw them into the bone, but then they function like actual teeth because they're screwed in there real good, so you can eat crunchy and sticky things, which I can't do with my partial. Because I'm missing a good chunk of bone there, they'll also have to do a bone graph, where they implant fake bone into my face, and let that heal to actually hold the implants. All in all they quoted me $40,000 to replace the ones that are currently missing, and then $2000 for each new one that explodes and needs replacing. If I can live on half my income and I make industry standard pay, I can save that up in 2 or 3 years. So it's my first big goal.
Another thing is that one of my eyesockets is malformed and is too small to actually hold an eyeball- I think it's hte left one- and as a result my eyeball formed in the wrong shape, the actual lens on my eye is the wrong shape, that's called 'astigmatism', and is really easily fixed with glasses. I literally just have to wear glasses, that's it, that's the whole story.
But the other socket and therefore eyeball is fine? That side of my glasses is just clear glass that does nothing. I only have the one bad eye. So when I found out about it, I was all, "I would like a monocle, because that makes sense," and my insurance was all, "fuck clean off, wear glasses or nothing," so whatever. Not nearly as steampunk as I could be, but I'll live. I have an appointment next month and I'm trying to keep about $100 because I want to get new glasses with the transistion lenses, for driving. You know, so they'll turn into sunglasses while driving and make it easier on me. That glare can really throw you off, especially in the snow.
But the one that I talked about in that article that really fucks folks up is called a chairi malformation; my skull is literally just too small for my brain, and as a result, some of the areas are squished and don't work great, so I have memory imapirments, for example, like I cannot do rote memory, it's just not a thing I can do. So I'm a grown ass adult who doesn't know her times tables and can't spell in her native langauge. And I get headaches, it can give you balance issues, and it can make you think that you're batshit insane because you can pick up on electromagnetic signals from like, powerlines, or walking through a metal detector, or even like, cars, computers, you know, just all the shit around us. And it really was cool to me how close they got the sound you hear in that show. I was impressed in the first episode, because I genuienly thought- I was watching it beside my computer and thought that it was getting louder from the computer, which can be a sign that I need to go get an MRI and make sure my brain hasn't shifted. They did such a good job portraying that. Scared me a little bit.
The reason you have to go get it checked is because my brain is literally leaking down the back of my neck. There's not enough room in my skull, so some of my brain is leaking down the back of my neck. And that's not where brain meat goes, so it can be dangerous, because if it shifts position it can block the flow of spinal fluid in and out of my brain, so from the time it shifts to the time I just fall over dead I have 4 minutes. Which would be great if there was a way to know that I had started that timer. But I don't, there's no symptoms, there's the shift, the last 4 minutes of your life, and then you fall over dead. So I kind of live my life 4 minutes at a time. Every 4 minutes I live is 4 more minutes than I could have.
Every so often it just strikes me that not everyone lives like that and how weird that must be. Like I think that a lot of people aren't aware of their own mortality and I wonder how fucked up that has to be. Because it seems to me like, maybe you wouldn't appreciate life as much or something.
If it ever gets real bad I can have surgery to fix it, like if it does move or it slides so far down that it is 100% gonna kill me, but I mean, it's brain surgery, if you don't for sure need brain surgery you don't have to get it. Also Dr. Spears said that they use fake bone, not metal plates anymore, to extend the skull for the surgery, which is just plain not metal as fuck.
So I went to Walmart yesterday like a pure dumbass. For those of you who don't know, I live in the state of Kentucky, and because a few corporations want to act like Captain Planet villians we recently got hit with 6 tornados in a row. Now, when you live in the longest mountain range in the world that is situated in the 'wrong' way compared to other mountains, tornados are nothing new, we have a tornado season, we know what a twister is.
But there's usually like... one. And it's usually not in the middle of an ice storm. So what happened was our weather got all fucked up and it got up in the 80s in December because fuck us, I guess, and the whole like, tristate area got completely fucked up, which then caused a blizzard with an ice storm that left a good 5in of snow and the entire region covered in ice. My mom busted her whole ass trying to go up the stairs.
Because of that, there's more coming and they're giving another blizzard Saturday and I didn't know it. So my dumb ass walked in there thinking I was going to get groceries not knowing it was gonna be a goddamn bloodbath. And I woke up to make me some toast and the bread I got, which was a goddamn ordeal IS FUCKING GREEN. I must have gotten an old nasty loaf BECAUSE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS TOOK ALL THE GOOD BREAD. And I'm pissed about it. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not much, but that blizard is literally only a 20% chance. There's an 80% chance the power, water and whatnot WON'T go out, and all y'all acting a fool and now I don't have bread.
I might see if mom will run me down to the Dollar Store down the road to see if they have any goddamn like $3 bread that I'll overpay for because I still don't have a car and can't go back to town after bread.
So y'all might ask, "Hey you have flour, yeast, sugar and water, why don't you quit your bitching and just make some bread if you want it so bad?"
And the answer to that is that I am an embarassment unto my ancestors and my bread baking skills are, in fact, quite shitty. Every loaf of bread I make is crumbly nonsense. I think it's because I haven't had to make it my whole life because I got spoiled on store-bought bread. But my bread straight up sucks. I'm not good at it. You cut into that and it just crumbles into nothing.
I slept through my last therapy appointment. This insomnia is whooping my ass. My actual diagnosis is "Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder", and I've had it my whole life, but I controlled it a lot better before these nightmares started and then kept up. Basically my body's natural circadian rythems are just off what they're supposed to be, so I get sleepy around 6am and then feel fully rested only if I sleep from like 6am to 2 in the day. I took some of those sleeping pills, but they went into overdrive and I slept until FOUR PM and slept through my alarm so that's obviously not the answer.
I've been doing what my therapist suggested, which is to try and recreate the environment that I had when I actually felt safe enough to sleep as a kid, so the pitch dark room, playing soothing bedtime stories to simulate my gramps telling me bedtime stories, but the thing about that is that that only works if you're already sleepy, which I never am at night. If I can get myself completely wore out, that works. It worked pretty well when I was in school, but now that I'm not working or going to school, I'm just not tired, no matter what I do, so I'm stuck in this viscious cycle of dumbassery.
I never know what day it is so I actually forgot the birthdays of two people really close to me, and I feel like complete shit about it and don't know how to make it up to them because I don't even have money for presents. Any money I manage to make after I get a job has to go straight to car repairs and right now I have a total of none money coming in.
I guess when you're in a place like this, the only thing to do is keep moving forward, one day at a time. You don't have to survive forever, you just have to make it through today. So I'm going to go try and lie down, because I have to drive my mom's car tomorrow and I do not trust myself to do that on no sleep for the like, probably 14th or 15th day in a row.
Maybe the insomnia thing will straighten itself out if I give it enough time, like once I get a job and have to be up at a certain time or face consequences again.
My therapist is leaving. If you've read the rest of this secret diary, you might know that this is not a good time for me to be without a therapist. My final appointment is on the 28th and it'll be a fucking miracle if I don't sleep through it. I really need a consistant processing partner because I don't yet have my self-discipline high enough to do things like journaling or the gratitude journal every day like I'm supposed to. I know from the research that it really does help to get those emotions out in a positive way, and I need to make a point to do it.
The Cube, my car, broke down and needs a new transmission, which will be over $1000, but Cammy has told me that if I follow him to work I can take his car as long as I bring it back so he's not stranded, to go job hunting and such, and my mom has said that she'll try her best to make her van avalible too, so I'm not completely fucked, it's just a weird time. I have to keep moving forward. If I can get a job I can be middle class and afford to fix my car in a month. It's a very achievable goal. I just have to be solution oriented.
I keep having those nightmares from school about those kids dying from the bad treatment plans. Dying. Being murdered. It's so weird to me because like, I don't speak Spanish, but in the dream I think some of the kids are speaking Spanish, because some of the kids in the videos are speaking Spanish, but I know that I don't know enough about it for my brain to be projecting it right, so I think they're just speaking gibberish, but it's still gibberish that I know is them screaming for help. It is a testimate to humanity that you can hear a child screaming for help and recognize it as a call for help in any language, even one that your brain just completly makes up and tries to pass off as a real language. But that's true in the real world, too, it's part of the "species preservation over self preservation" instinct that social animals like humans have. Humans are supposed to have a deep seeded instinct to protect the weaker members of their species, like children, because of the way we evolved, if we didn't do that, if we just let them go and do whatever like other species, like sea turtles, for example, our entire species would die off because we have so few children per birth and because we're not super well equiped for birthing babies so it's an ordeal, so we invest heavily in the children we already have, it's a survival mechanism. Not having this instinct is a sign of various mental disorders, but it's really rare not to have it. But it seems like that teacher doesn't because she seems really shocked that anybody would have this kind of reaction to this fucking class. It's over. It's been over for weeks. She actually locked me out of my account, she says because it's over and I've graduated, but none of the other teachers have done that. I think she's sick of talking to me. Because I keep talking about how it made me sick and suicidal and it needs changed.
I did talk to the head of the department though, because he kept wanting me to go to graduation and give a speech, because like my grades are so high (see previous entries, this is pure grade inflation, I did not earn those grades) and now I think that he's scared that if his top student in the program gets out and keeps talking shit about how the school made their mania way worse, gave them insomnia, physical manifestations, and suicidal tendencies, with all the reciepts I have that that is for sure what caused it, it'll hurt the school. And I hate that, because he's really nice, but I will absolutely be talking shit about them until I die. You don't fucking do this. And you sure as shit don't charge people the amount of money they charged for it. Dr. Os says that he's not letting her teach anymore, she's getting fired, not just for how she treated me, he got a LOT of complaints about this class and about her specifically, she's apparently that dismissive to everyone, not just me, and just kinda evil in general and a lot of people complained about it. And he's completely reworking the class to take out all the parts that cause active harm, in complaince with the new laws that he also thinks are going to be passed.
So I did it. I caused change by bitching enough. So why don't I feel better? I fixed it so that no one else will have to go through this. So I should feel better. But I guess that doesn't undo what happened to me and I still have to work through it and process it. And I have the tools to do that. I just have to keep moving forward and using the tools. I have to keep up this journal, and the gratitude journal, and pull from my own strength and just get shit done. I have to job hunt. If I want to be a change in the world I can't keep just sleeping all day and then staying up all night, for example. I have to get my shit together and move past the things like the night terrors. I'm going to get some sleeping pills or whiskey or something and get my sleep schedule straightened out.
I was smoking OTC THC, the legal kind that you get from like, gas stations, so I thought it wouldn't show up on drug tests, but it did, so now I'm waiting on my body to process that, and it should be about done, it stays in your system for about a month- they should tell you when you buy it that it shows up on a drug test, because I really assumed that where it's a completely different chemical derived from hemp instead of weed that only helps your nerves and doesn't get you high (You can tell the difference if you've ever smoked real weed) that it wouldn't, and I can't be the only person who thought that. But, I'll take another test and make sure it's out of my system and then start job hunting. That's not like, a real problem, I just have to make sure it is completely out of my system. It's buckwild that using a real chemical that is scientifically proven to help with anxiety when you're in the middle of a manic episode that was suggested by a therapist, on the weekeneds when you're not at work, like a responsible adult can still knock you out of a job just because the traces stay in the system so long. Like they can't not hire me for having a drink in that same situation and that's actually addictive and awful. But I can do that so I might. But that's a depressant, not an anti anxiety medication so it'll help me sleep but if anything it'll make the symptoms worse. So I don't like to do that. But my meds on their own are absolutely not enough.
Thank god it's not addictive. I can't imagine going through DTs right now. I'd probably have behavioral outbursts and piss off everyone I know. So silver lining. It could always be worse.
At least everyone seemed to like their Christmas presents. I didn't have any money at all, so I bought them all on EBT, but I tried to get Christmasy stuff like those cookies you put sewing supplies in, hot chocolate, and those popcorn tins. I didn't even have a lot of EBT but I tried, and everybody seemed to like them. Hopefully by next year I can get good presents. I also made some hand embroidery and it seemed well recieved. I honestly don't even remember what I got as presents. I tend to like watching other people open presents more than I like getting presents, which is really mean to the family, everyone is so poor I really should be more grateful. I'm working on that.
Granny's outbursts are getting worse, she tried to just up and leave the cancer center, screaming at everybody, and then during Christmas she screamed at my uncle to take off the hat I had made for him, I guess because it's so ugly. She had a real bad one over these belts that I had given gramps for his birthday, came in and demanded I throw them away, knocked down a few things, if you're a caregiver you're familiar with behavioral ourbursts from folks with chemo brain. And I try really hard not to let them get to me, but that one did for some reason, I guess because my nerves are already so bad, so I did start crying and shit. But she doesn't know what she's doing, she doesn't know what planet she's on. Her emotional and social intelligence is completely shot, you can't let it get to you as if she's actually trying to hurt you. She's not, she sincerely just doesn't know what she's doing most of the time.
It sucks watching someone fade away like that. You're forced, kind of a lot, to know that she is actively dying. And yeah, she's almost 80, she had cancer, she has 2 robot hips, her brain is gone. You have to accept it because you get hit in the face with it. But it's still my granny and it's hard not to let it get you down, especially when it flairs up like that. She's not in good shape. I talked to her doctor about it and he said what I already knew, she's just not going to be here that much longer. These are signs that she's dying. And at this point all we can really do is make her comfortable and sit back and watch it happen. He told me that it was reaching the point where I'm not going to be able to control her risk taking behavior, so I really have to come to a point of acceptance, that's all that is left to do.
Dr. Murad, I know that you're trying to help, but that's a big ask. I know he sees it a lot, that he has a lot of end-of-life patients, but I don't, you know? It's my granny. So I know, intellectually that I need to do that, I need to accept it, but these big behavioral outbursts are a last burst of a dying brain and every time I watch one I don't know if it's going to be the last.
And it scares the shit out of me to get a full time job knowing that she's like this. What if it happens while I'm at work? What if I'm not here for it, and that's the outburst that breaks her back or something? What if it's the one that kills her and I was at work? I can't not have thoughts like that. She has no bone density, she breaks so easily, she's so painfully frail. 5'6" and weighs 91lbs. I don't know, if I get a full time job in my field, and she dies while I'm not there, that I can ever forgive myself.
He told me that if that was the case there was nothing I could do being there anyway but watch her die, that it's not selfish to want to get a job, and I guess on an intellectual level I see that. You can't watch her 24/7. But I still just feel the guilt, you know, even if I know on an intellectual level that I shouldn't. You can't force yourself into or out of emotions, you just have to process them. And I hate to lose the therapist because I really need a processing partner. But if I let the worry control me I'll never find a job.
I just have to be strong. I have to keep moving forward.
I am so sick of being so angry all the time. My sleep schedule, my whole circadian rythems are just completely fucked. I have to fix this. I can't live like this. I can't keep doing this. I have to change, be solution oriented. I can't let these fuckwads run me off of a whole career. I can't. My papaw fought in the redneck revolt, I can't just let people run me off, I will be an embarassment unto my ancestors. This is my community, this is my career I went in to to benefit my community, and I can't let a bunch of rich, city-slicker fuckwads run me off and keep me from being the change I want to see in my community. It's not in my blood to lay down and die. It's hard, it looks impossibly hard, but I have to do it, I have to be strong.
Ain't no hate gonna run me off.
I slept through the graduation ceremony. I wasn't going to go anyway, but maybe there's a special sort of poetry in that fact.
I keep having nightmares about this fucking school, about the evil 'therapies' they taught. I keep hearing these kids screaming as they die, especially Candice, begging for her life while those 'therapists' told her to go ahead and die.
My nerves are shot, I stay sick. I can't have this and I don't know what to do about it. It's fucked me up on a deep personal level and even with this education in psychology I don't know how to fix it.
I've had suicidal thoughts over that school. It cannot be allowed to continue. We can't let it stay legal to restrain, regress, and torture children into compliance. We can't. We have to do something but I feel so powerless so I have nightmares and anxiety cramps that make me throw up and I just sit and cry, and I've done that for 6 days straight.
I keep thinking that maybe I should check myself into the hospital and see if they can do something but I don't know that they know any more than I do at this point, I'm actually more qualified than a psychiactric nurse, but maybe I'm blinded to how to help myself, that happens, it's easier to help someone else than it is to help yourself.
My insomnia is so bad that my sleep schedule is now exactly backwards. I'm up all night and sleep during the day. I can't do anything, everything is closed, so because my nerves are so bad I'm stuck in the house, just crying, by myself.
I thought that when I got all my work turned in, which I went ahead and did early because I'm that bitch when it comes to academia, I would feel happy and relieved. But I don't. I feel like a failure. My anxiety has gotten so bad that when I lie down to try and sleep my intrusive thoughts get all suicidal again, and it aggravates the shit out of me. You get that on repeat like, "I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, please let me die I just don't want to deal with this, it hurts so bad and there is nothing good here." On repeat. Bitch, I am trying to sleep.
And something else it does (the intrusive negative thoughts) is "help me" over and over. So it alternates between wanting to die and begging for help. And that is aggravating.
I think this school broke me. I specifically went to a school for evil mad scientists, but I didn't mean to. They don't tell you that when you sign up. They don't tell you that they're going to teach you unethical debunked treatment plans like regression therapy and shit, because they know if they did you wouldn't take out life-ruinging loans to pay for it.
I tried to tell this teacher that attachment therapy has been banned in 2 states because it killed 6 kids and was likely to be banned in this state as well because it's currently in state legislation and I feel like the outcome is going to be that it gets banned, because it kills people. She sent me an unrealted wikipedia article. Well, I mean, I guess it was tangentially related. It was about rebirthing therapy, which is a kind of attachment therapy, rather than attachment therapy as a whole. But this was after I sent her the official APA (American Psychological Association) report disavowing the treatment on account of it being too murdery. Like, that was her response.
So now that it's been 2 classes of this straight up neglect, after I paid a fortune, it's not weird that the crazy is getting worse. I have been consistantly around people who are actively teaching me to murder children and I straight up don't... you know, want to do that. But also, I am not able to come to terms with the idea that anyone does- that's the part that fucks with me. It's not some small thing, it's straight up murdering at-risk children that you are supposed to be an advocate for, that trust you with their lives. I didn't know that people this evil existed prior to taking these classes and it's really that knowlege, not the classes themselves, that are fucking with me. I can't deal with the fact that these people still exist and still think like this.
Like even if this 'threapy' is legislated out of existance, which I really do think it will be, I think we'll follow in the footsteps of the two states that have already outlawed it, that isn't going to stop these people from just doing something else evil, because they are evil and want to cause active harm to children. Like they kept telling us that the family unit, not the child's welfare, was our priority and if we have to cause active harm to the child in order to get family reunification, then that's what we need to do. Yes, even if it kills them. So when you have that attitude and that's what you're teaching your class, then just outlawing ONE deadly procedure isn't going to do anything, they'll move onto something like pure behavioralism where you literally shock the shit out of them (yes, this was in the class, this is a real treatment plan, you make the child wear a belt and just shock the shit out of them whenever they perform a behavior you don't want, and yes, it does cause electrical burns that leave permenent scars)- like a shock collar for a dog basically, not outlawed in any state, so they'll just switch to that or restraints or whatever. Because they are, at their core, evil.
I can't... make that work in my head. It has fucked me up real bad. And I paid them so much money to teach me and they give me shit like this. Stealing too, like not this class, but one of the classes last semester wanted me to just be a theif and go to jail for it.
So me graduating isn't going to do anything because it's not going to fix the system, and the system is broken in a way that I sincerely do not think a person can understand unless they're part of it. It is legitimately terrifying and it is killing children. And I do not want to be part of it but I'm in for so much money now. I don't know what to do so... yeah, I do kind of want to die. Because I don't know what to do.
But here's the thing, when I get my degree I will be a developmental psychologist and I know that negative intrusitve thoughts, even when they are factually correct, can be overcome. That, those insurmountable odds and being faced with that kind of unbelievalbe evil, would make anyone suicidal. But there is no bad reason to stay alive. There has to be something I can do. And if I can get a job and keep even 1 kid from falling into the hands of someone like my teachers, then that has to mean something. It has to matter. I mean, it would matter to that one kid. Maybe I can't change the whole system, but every life is important. I have to keep telling myself that. I can fight this.
I got into this buisness for the right reason, and being as trailer trash as I am I'm not gonna let a bunch of evil city slickers run me the fuck off. The Bible Belt question is, of course, What Would Jesus Do? And when faced with seemingly insurmountable evil, he would take 6 hours out of his day to hand-craft a whip to knock it all the fuck down. We saw that. So that is what I have to do. I have to be strong, take the time it's going to take, and come back ready. I have to have patience and strength.
It's just so hard, it just feels so hard right now.
I've been working my ass off, graduation is next month, and I am so ready for it. I hate this school, I can't believe I went back to EKU. This is a money school that just takes your money and doesn't really give you much of an education for it. Everyone I know warned me about it, but it was the only fully online program and I can't leave this area to go for school.
But it's almost over. The last day of class is the 14th of next month. It's not even much over a month. I just have to get through it. I have another paper I should be writing right now, but I had a full on breakdown over the last one- I've only had 2 classes where the teachers gave a single shit about ethics and it just wears on me. My nerves have been so bad since what happened with Jack that I have a nervous stomach now, I can't watch videos of animal torture and shit without getting sick to my stomach, you know how it is if you have a nervous stomach, all those muscles tense up and you'll throw up.
Most of the history of psychology is incredibly unethical. I might add a "mad science" aspect to the site, to get out some of my feelings about some of this older research that we're still having to cover despite it being debunked for decades. This is a personal website, I can do that. I'm the webmaster. I don't have to worry about getting demonatized or anything because it's not monatized.
I've not been doing great lately. It's fine, I'm just sad. My nerves have been acting up and my back has been hurting, both exactly like they did when I had endometreosis. So I went to the specialist, but he checked and my hormone levels are fine, they're not high. And there's no endometreosis, my uterus isn't even swollen. There's nothing there, so I think it's psychosomatic. This has been a rough little bit. I think I crazied myself into more crazy, which is totally a thing I'm capable of, and of psychosomatic pain- which is why it's the pain that I'm used to instead of some new kind of pain.
A big part of it is that I had the worst teacher I've ever had in my life this semsester, which is not common for me, I usually do really good in school- but this time it was more just the teacher. I'm completely unused to being treated the way he treats students, it's really... it's just a new kind of person who is an asshole in a way you wouldn't think, because generally when you pay someone almost $7000, they're not an asshole to you, because you're their employeer and you just gave them a shitton of money.
But Zipple gives no shits. I have gotten feedback bad that is full of typos, obviously unread, that demonstraite that he didn't read the paper he was providing feedback on. I sent emails at the beginning of the semester to his work account that he hasn't responded to and the class ends today. He says completely inappropriate and buckwild shit, like that his life has more inherant value than someone else's- the kind of shit I'm used to people not saying because it's such a huge insult that to say it out loud would get you shot, like the kind that generational fueds are started over. I know, listening to his accent that he's probably not from the south and isn't familair with generational feuding maybe, but I can't think of any place on the planet where you could talk to someone the way he talks to his students.
It's just a rip off. I got scammed. I know nothing- and I mean literally nothing from this class, I emailed multiple times asking for help, I did nothing right because I didn't know what I was doing, and a week ago I realized I had like a 99% in there. So I just didn't do the final week. I would get an 86 and not have to deal with him. I've never hated a teacher so much as to be more willing to lose a whole letter grade than to have to interact with him ever again.
But it's over, and were I a betting lady, I would wager that he's not even going to reach out to ask why his top student, apparently, I got a little pop-up on blackboard to that effect, neglected to do an entire module. He won't notice. Because he doesn't give a shit. It's so weird. I paid $7000 and he doesn't give a shit. How did he get like that? I didn't know that was a possible way for a person to be. And how has he been allowed to remain like that? Like how has no one killed him yet? That's not me saying that I'm going to kill him, I just sincerely do not understand, I have lost people for less. I don't know why he's allowed to act like this and nobody else in the world is. For every other human person, that is a death sentence, you do that knowing you are starting an event that will cause pain and trauma for generations. I don't want that to be the case, but in the real world, it is. But this man looks at least 60. He's been acting like this his whole life and no one has killed him or beaten him badly enough that he stopped doing it. He looks fine, like he doesn't look like he has scars from fights. It's like... I can't figure out how it happened. It bothers me that I don't know how it happened, not that it happened, because if he's immune then there is a way to do that, nonviolently. I didn't know that, before this class. I didn't know you could be that mean and not get at least an asswhooping. I've never seen anyone else do it.
In one of the modules, in the class discussion board, I raised concerns that acting the way he wanted us to act in a certain situation would get the group home burned down- and he replied that he had opened many and only one was completely destroyed by arson. That's still one too many. You should not have... like how do you explain to a grown adult who seems to be in his 60s that if the amount of arson you've caused is a postive interger, that's too much? That literally any amount of arson is too much?
I want my money back, but I won't get it. It's like he thinks that I paid him for a grade rather than that I paid him to teach me the material. Like he's so fargone from reality that I don't think he understands why I'm mad. I don't think the other one does either, there's also a lady instructor, because when I emailed her for help, she said that she was sure I could do it because I usually got As. None of my work was worth an A. Them inflating grades is not going to help me be a good social worker. People who care this little about other people should not be in this field, like... core concept.
And the class is set up under the assumption that you're a monster who hates disabled people and wants to put them in insulin comas and shock the shit out of them. That's not an exageration. This class is straight up evil and it's so hard because of it, because it's set up for evil people with no regard for the fact that they are talking about me. Like... no, I don't think we should put people in comas for behavioral outbursts?? Why would you assume that? It does that for every module, like it begins with the assumption that you, the student being taught, are one of history's greatest monsters who wants to be on some Nazi shit. Like it assumes you support eugenics and a bunch of really weird shit that must be older kinds of discrimination because I've never heard of them. Like this man tried to argue me that it was legal to straight up steal every penny of someone's government issued SSI if you're their caregiver.
Wait, not even a caregiver, a payee. Just a payee. There are some situations where a caregiver can do that, if they have power of attorney, and I guess he doesn't know the difference. But only someone with power of attorney can do that, stealing and coersion, like he told us to do, are illegal and we will go to jail. He kept trying to get me to do that and I kept telling him I wasn't going to jail for him, because it's 3-5 years in jail for the first offense, and he kept saying that it was a 'legal grey area'. So I called my lawyers and they told me in no uncertain terms that there is no grey area and I would go straight to jail. I told him that, that I was actively on the phone with a criminal defense lawyer, gave him the phone number, and he still just... called me a liar, on a class discussion board, in public, for the sole purpose of spreading misinformation. I hope Jack's lawyers got some buisness out of it if nothing else.
Like there's having a disagreement and then there's spreading legal misinformation from a percieved position of power in a way that will actively get your students arrested and cost them their license- and also he's encouraging social workers to steal from disabled people. I'm unfamiliar with the type of person who does that. I'm in shock. Like I have met bad people before, but I have never met, "Steal from disabled people and burn their house down" level bad people- TEACHING PSYCHOLOGY CLASSES. I just... I think I'm still in shock. I don't know what to do with this information.
I'm just sad. I've just been really sad. That's why I've not been writing, why I haven't updated. I have an anxiety disorder anyway and dealing with that level of evil was just wearing on me.
I'm having a really hard time today. I miss everyone. I don't have anyone to talk to, but my mind is racing.
I have so much energy and my back hurts so bad. There's nowhere to put it and it hurts pretty bad. I can't come down from it because everything seems terrible.
I hate everything and it makes me want to cry, constantly. I can't stand being like this. I can't keep living like this.
My hormone results came back normal. All the test came back normal. This is not a flare-up. What is this? Why am I like this?
I have to have given it to myself somehow. It has to be psychosomatic. That's all I can think.
I'm lonely, but I can't stand anyone.
I've not been sleeping at night, so if I fall asleep at all I usually sleep all day. I'm so angry I could cry, I'm trying so hard not to break down again.
Trying to go to school like this is going to kill me. I can't keep doing this, but if there's no cause, there's no way to fix it. I have to figure this out.
I'm almost positive I'm in an active manic state and have been for a few days. I don't know why that would be because I haven't changed my meds. They're just plain not working well. I'm really hoping that it's because I gained weight when I recovered from corona, I had lost so much weight at my last shot I knew he adjusted it then, and I've gained all that back.
God, I do not reccomend getting the rona. That food aversion is not what they tell you on TV. It's not that food tastes like plastic, it's that your body treats food as if it is plastic. As in it sees it as 'not food'. It's not that you can't taste it, it's that your entire being is going, "Do not eat that, because that's plastic."
And if you can fight through that and actually swallow the food, your body still treats it as if it isn't food, so you either throw it up or have horrible diareah.
What's really weird, though, is that I never really got to where I absolutely couldn't breath. I was lucky. I didn’t even have to be in the hospital. I still don't reccomend it. But I know it could have been way worse.
I'm venting here because it's 1:32pm and the day has already been kind of shitty. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I keep sabotaguing myself at school by starting fights with teachers and then not realizing it until like 15 minutes after I send the email.
But here's the thing about journaling- it's supposed to be a form of art therapy. It's not really meant to be read, but rather just to vent.
